just the stone cold truth of our friendship.
1 When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want to catch whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask ?, ."because you are my friend"
Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
ROFLMAO
"God, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all
of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but
I'm just not happy."
"And why is that, Eve?"
"God, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
you."
"Man? What is that, God?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain;
all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and
will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he
will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in
childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as
smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's
the catch, God?"
"Well ... You can have him on one condition."
"And what's that, God?"
"As I said he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring... So you'll have
to let him believe that I made him first. It will be our little secret
... you know, woman to woman."
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all
of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but
I'm just not happy."
"And why is that, Eve?"
"God, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for
you."
"Man? What is that, God?"
"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain;
all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and
will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he
will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in
childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as
smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's
the catch, God?"
"Well ... You can have him on one condition."
"And what's that, God?"
"As I said he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring... So you'll have
to let him believe that I made him first. It will be our little secret
... you know, woman to woman."
I don't have faith in faith, I don't believe in belief, You can call me faithless, I still cling to hope, And I believe in love, And that's faith enough for me... Neil Peart
>
>
>
> Mary had a little pig,
> She kept it fat and plastered;
> And when the price of pork went up,
> She shot the little bastard.
>
>
>
> MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
> Her father shot it dead.
> Now it goes to school with her,
> Between two hunks of bread.
>
>
>
> JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
> To have a little fun.
> Stupid Jill forgot the pill
> And now they have a son.
>
>
> > SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
> Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
> "What have you got there?"
> Said the Pie man unto Simon,
> "Pies, you dumb #$%!"
>
>
> HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
> Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
> All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
> Had scrambled eggs,
> For breakfast again.
>
>
> HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
> All over the bedside clock.
> The little dog laughed to see such fun.
> Then died of electric shock.
>
>
> GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
> Kissed the girls and made them cry.
> And when the boys came out to play,
> He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
>
>
>
> There was a little girl who had a little curl
> Right in the middle of her forehead
> When she was good, she was very, very good.
> But when she was bad........
> She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports
> car.
>
>
> Mary had a little pig,
> She kept it fat and plastered;
> And when the price of pork went up,
> She shot the little bastard.
>
>
>
> MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
> Her father shot it dead.
> Now it goes to school with her,
> Between two hunks of bread.
>
>
>
> JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
> To have a little fun.
> Stupid Jill forgot the pill
> And now they have a son.
>
>
> > SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
> Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
> "What have you got there?"
> Said the Pie man unto Simon,
> "Pies, you dumb #$%!"
>
>
> HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
> Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
> All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
> Had scrambled eggs,
> For breakfast again.
>
>
> HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
> All over the bedside clock.
> The little dog laughed to see such fun.
> Then died of electric shock.
>
>
> GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
> Kissed the girls and made them cry.
> And when the boys came out to play,
> He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
>
>
>
> There was a little girl who had a little curl
> Right in the middle of her forehead
> When she was good, she was very, very good.
> But when she was bad........
> She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports
> car.
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
Three boys received their grades from their female sex education
instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.
"I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second.
"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"
instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.
"I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second.
"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"
I don't have faith in faith, I don't believe in belief, You can call me faithless, I still cling to hope, And I believe in love, And that's faith enough for me... Neil Peart
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge
in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a
Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two
Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the
conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table
and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, At
one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."
in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a
Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two
Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the
conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table
and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, At
one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."
Onward and Upward!
mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the rancher, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The rancher looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, " Sure, Why not ? "
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NAS A satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color,150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the rancher and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the rancher.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the rancher.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the rancher. ?You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. Now, give me back my dog.?
The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the rancher, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The rancher looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, " Sure, Why not ? "
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NAS A satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color,150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the rancher and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the rancher.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the rancher.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the rancher. ?You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. Now, give me back my dog.?
Onward and Upward!
ROFL good ones and here's a few more to enjoy
Grandpa joke
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Crown Royal and women with big tits."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grandma's Boyfriend....
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nine Months Later......"
Kevin decided to go skiing with his buddy, Leon. So they loaded up Kevin's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.
"I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"
"Don't worry," Kevin said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Kevin got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Leon and asked
"Leon, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Leon
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Leon said, a little embarrassed about being found out
"I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Leon's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
--------------------------------------------------------------------Yes I changed the names for that extra bit of humor
Grandpa joke
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Crown Royal and women with big tits."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grandma's Boyfriend....
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nine Months Later......"
Kevin decided to go skiing with his buddy, Leon. So they loaded up Kevin's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.
"I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"
"Don't worry," Kevin said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Kevin got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Leon and asked
"Leon, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Leon
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Leon said, a little embarrassed about being found out
"I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Leon's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
--------------------------------------------------------------------Yes I changed the names for that extra bit of humor
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
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Walkinghairball
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