schuette wrote:for the 2nd time the day......FUCK OFF!!!
when did you tell me to fuck off the first time?
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
You two at it again 
Kind of disturbing but not really we all do it
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7 When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
*** Forward this to at least 11 people and see what comes on your screen, you will laugh your head off!!!!!!! This works. I don't know how...
And number 10 how stupid are you if you really believe that something is going to pop up on your screen... duh
Kind of disturbing but not really we all do it
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7 When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
*** Forward this to at least 11 people and see what comes on your screen, you will laugh your head off!!!!!!! This works. I don't know how...
And number 10 how stupid are you if you really believe that something is going to pop up on your screen... duh
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
COLORED PANTIES
Three old black ladies were preparing for their first plane flight.
The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna wear me
some
hot pink panties on dis flight."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dere
laying
butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna find me first."
The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some
fluorescent orange panties."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked.
The second lady answered: "Cause if dat plane goes down, and I'm
floating
butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first."
The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties."
"What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief.
"Dat's right," says the third lady. "I'm not wearing any
panties, if dat plane goes down,
the first thing they always look for is da black box."
Three old black ladies were preparing for their first plane flight.
The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna wear me
some
hot pink panties on dis flight."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the other two asked.
The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dere
laying
butt-up in a corn field, dey gonna find me first."
The second lady says, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some
fluorescent orange panties."
"Why you gonna wear dat?" the others asked.
The second lady answered: "Cause if dat plane goes down, and I'm
floating
butt-up in the ocean, dey can see me first."
The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties."
"What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief.
"Dat's right," says the third lady. "I'm not wearing any
panties, if dat plane goes down,
the first thing they always look for is da black box."
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
.....they were funny Pass this on to everyone you know.
BLOCK YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE
This is upsetting, thought I should pass it along.
Check your drivers license...Now you can see anyone's Drivers License on the Internet, including your own!
I just searched for mine and there it was...Picture and all!
Thanks Homeland Security Privacy, where is our right to it?
I definitely removed mine, I suggest you all do the same....Go to the website and check it out.
Just enter your name, City and State to see if yours is
on file.
After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please
Remove." (This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law
enforcement.)
http://www.license.shorturl.com/
BLOCK YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE
This is upsetting, thought I should pass it along.
Check your drivers license...Now you can see anyone's Drivers License on the Internet, including your own!
I just searched for mine and there it was...Picture and all!
Thanks Homeland Security Privacy, where is our right to it?
I definitely removed mine, I suggest you all do the same....Go to the website and check it out.
Just enter your name, City and State to see if yours is
on file.
After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please
Remove." (This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law
enforcement.)
http://www.license.shorturl.com/
Don't start none...won't be none.
Cool....reminds me of the time I was changing a flat tire on the side of the interstate...This guy pulls up behind me, gets out and comes up to ask: "Hey man.....You got a flat tire?"Me wrote:You two at it again
Kind of disturbing but not really we all do it
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7 When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
*** Forward this to at least 11 people and see what comes on your screen, you will laugh your head off!!!!!!! This works. I don't know how...
And number 10 how stupid are you if you really believe that something is going to pop up on your screen... duh
My immediate response was: "No dumbass, I rotate MY tires every 3000 miles no matter where-the-hell I'm at!"
Don't start none...won't be none.
How To Simulate Being A Sailor
1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say: "Sorry, wrong rack."
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc
14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.
16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. (Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all shitcans over the fantail.)
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations. (Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations.)
21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)
25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
29. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
30. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.
31. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
32. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
33. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
34. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
35. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say: "Sorry, wrong rack."
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc
14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."
15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.
16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. (Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all shitcans over the fantail.)
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations. (Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations.)
21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)
25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.
28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.
29. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
30. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.
31. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
32. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.
33. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.
34. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
35. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.
Don't start none...won't be none.
is this a joke....I cant check it out..CygnusX1 wrote:Pass this on to everyone you know.
BLOCK YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE
This is upsetting, thought I should pass it along.
Check your drivers license...Now you can see anyone's Drivers License on the Internet, including your own!
I just searched for mine and there it was...Picture and all!
Thanks Homeland Security Privacy, where is our right to it?
I definitely removed mine, I suggest you all do the same....Go to the website and check it out.
Just enter your name, City and State to see if yours is
on file.
After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please
Remove." (This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law
enforcement.)
http://www.license.shorturl.com/
You be the judge luv....personally, I don't get it....I mean, I groomed before the pic was taken...schuette wrote:is this a joke....I cant check it out..CygnusX1 wrote:Pass this on to everyone you know.
BLOCK YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE
This is upsetting, thought I should pass it along.
Check your drivers license...Now you can see anyone's Drivers License on the Internet, including your own!
I just searched for mine and there it was...Picture and all!
Thanks Homeland Security Privacy, where is our right to it?
I definitely removed mine, I suggest you all do the same....Go to the website and check it out.
Just enter your name, City and State to see if yours is
on file.
After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please
Remove." (This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law
enforcement.)
http://www.license.shorturl.com/
Don't start none...won't be none.
