A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," the he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?"
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The
animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried
to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the
animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up
anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help
him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel
dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what
was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's
amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked
down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With
each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was
doing something amazing. He would shake it off and
take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of
the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped
up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take
a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can
get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never
giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
NOW --------
Enough of that crap . .
The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had
tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got
infected, and the farmer
eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your
ass, it always comes back to bite you.
animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried
to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the
animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up
anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help
him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel
dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what
was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's
amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked
down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With
each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was
doing something amazing. He would shake it off and
take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of
the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped
up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take
a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can
get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never
giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
NOW --------
Enough of that crap . .
The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had
tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got
infected, and the farmer
eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your
ass, it always comes back to bite you.
This space for rent
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be."
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
to me."
"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the
order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."
"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. "
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not"
"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
sure how to position it."
"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."
"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."
"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was..... God, I
miss him!"
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!"
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be."
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
to me."
"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the
order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."
"Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. "
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not"
"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
sure how to position it."
"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."
"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."
"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was..... God, I
miss him!"
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!"
This space for rent
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Actual Classified Ads.................
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bitch. Bites
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat .... been out a
while. Better be a reward for this nasty little thing.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby
GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.
(AND THE BEST ONE)
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia
Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No
longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bitch. Bites
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat .... been out a
while. Better be a reward for this nasty little thing.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby
GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.
(AND THE BEST ONE)
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia
Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No
longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.
This space for rent
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No, I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No, I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."
This space for rent
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
MARINES
There are two things Marines are always taught:
1. Keep your priorities in order.
2. Know when to act without hesitation.
A college professor (a vowed atheist and active member of the A.C.L.U.) was teaching his college class.
He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that, once and for all, he was going to prove that there was no God.
Addressing the ceiling he shouted: ?GOD, if you are real, then knock me off this platform. I?ll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!!?
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by.
?I?m waiting God, if you?re real, knock me off this platform!!!? Again after four minutes, the professor taunted God saying, ?Here I am, God!! I?m still waiting!!!?
His count down got down to the last couple minutes, when a Marine--who was just released from the Corps--after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq, and had newly registered for the class--walked up to the Professor.
The Marine hit him full force in the face. This sent the Professor tumbling from his platform. The Professor was out cold.
The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The Marine nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat in silence. The class looked at him and fell silent also?waiting...
Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak, he asked: ?What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?
The Marine said:
?God was really busy protecting America?s soldiers--who are protecting your right to say stupid things and act like an ass. So?He sent me.?
There are two things Marines are always taught:
1. Keep your priorities in order.
2. Know when to act without hesitation.
A college professor (a vowed atheist and active member of the A.C.L.U.) was teaching his college class.
He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that, once and for all, he was going to prove that there was no God.
Addressing the ceiling he shouted: ?GOD, if you are real, then knock me off this platform. I?ll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!!?
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by.
?I?m waiting God, if you?re real, knock me off this platform!!!? Again after four minutes, the professor taunted God saying, ?Here I am, God!! I?m still waiting!!!?
His count down got down to the last couple minutes, when a Marine--who was just released from the Corps--after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq, and had newly registered for the class--walked up to the Professor.
The Marine hit him full force in the face. This sent the Professor tumbling from his platform. The Professor was out cold.
The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The Marine nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat in silence. The class looked at him and fell silent also?waiting...
Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak, he asked: ?What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?
The Marine said:
?God was really busy protecting America?s soldiers--who are protecting your right to say stupid things and act like an ass. So?He sent me.?
Don't start none...won't be none.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.