The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables; when he picked up a CD player to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the
light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"I'm Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed ... "What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?"
"The same people that named their Rottweiler 'Jesus.'"
around, looking for valuables; when he picked up a CD player to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark
saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the
light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"I'm Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed ... "What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?"
"The same people that named their Rottweiler 'Jesus.'"
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Devil's Advocate
- Posts: 927
- Joined: Mon Nov 17, 2003 2:42 pm
- Location: Pembs, Wales, UK
- Contact:
It was the end of the school year, and a primary school teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers?" "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held the gift above her head, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "Yes, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the off-licence store owner. The teacher held the package over her head, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked, "no," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No" the boy replied. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With a huge smile on his face, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers?" "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held the gift above her head, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "Yes, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the off-licence store owner. The teacher held the package over her head, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked, "no," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No" the boy replied. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With a huge smile on his face, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Funny but Dumb Quotes From the World of Sports
"I'm rich. What am I supposed to do, hide it?"
-Detroit Tiger Lou Whitaker, arriving in a stretch limo for a players' union meeting during the 1994 baseball strike.
"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
-Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf
"There is one word in America that says it all, and that word is, 'You never know.'"
-Pitcher Joaquin Andujar
"He's the about the size of a lot of guys that size."
-Offensive coordinator Gary Crowton, on QB Cade McNown
"It's almost like we have ESPN."
-Magic Johnson, on how well he and James Worthy work together
"Tom."
-Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when asked how he pronounced his name, 1966
"Better teams win more often than the teams that are not so good."
-Tom Watt, ex-Maple Leaves coach (his team was not so good)
"I'm glad you're doing this story on us and not on the WNBA. We're so much prettier than all the other women in sports."
-Martina Hingis in Detour Magazine, 3/98 issue.
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
-Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota, 1996.
"He (Julio Cesar Chavez) speaks English, Spanish, and he's bilingual, too."
-Don King, boxing promoter.
"Then I was skinnier. I hit it better, I putted better, and I could see better. Other than that, everything is the same."
-PGA Senior Tour player Homero Blancas.
"It's basically the same, just darker."
-Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons, 1991
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
-Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator
"I'm rich. What am I supposed to do, hide it?"
-Detroit Tiger Lou Whitaker, arriving in a stretch limo for a players' union meeting during the 1994 baseball strike.
"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
-Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf
"There is one word in America that says it all, and that word is, 'You never know.'"
-Pitcher Joaquin Andujar
"He's the about the size of a lot of guys that size."
-Offensive coordinator Gary Crowton, on QB Cade McNown
"It's almost like we have ESPN."
-Magic Johnson, on how well he and James Worthy work together
"Tom."
-Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when asked how he pronounced his name, 1966
"Better teams win more often than the teams that are not so good."
-Tom Watt, ex-Maple Leaves coach (his team was not so good)
"I'm glad you're doing this story on us and not on the WNBA. We're so much prettier than all the other women in sports."
-Martina Hingis in Detour Magazine, 3/98 issue.
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
-Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota, 1996.
"He (Julio Cesar Chavez) speaks English, Spanish, and he's bilingual, too."
-Don King, boxing promoter.
"Then I was skinnier. I hit it better, I putted better, and I could see better. Other than that, everything is the same."
-PGA Senior Tour player Homero Blancas.
"It's basically the same, just darker."
-Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons, 1991
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
-Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator
This space for rent
Good read HB....I remembered the Kulwicki one..they HOUNDED him for that...rest his soul...
Okay class...Time to go to school ...
MATHEMATICS
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Supid Woman = Affair
Stupid Man + Smart Woman = Marriage
Stupid Boy + Stupid Girl = Pregnancy
Note: The preceding comments are not necessarily the views of CygnusX1 and by-tor.com, and should not be construed as such.
Okay class...Time to go to school ...
MATHEMATICS
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Supid Woman = Affair
Stupid Man + Smart Woman = Marriage
Stupid Boy + Stupid Girl = Pregnancy
Note: The preceding comments are not necessarily the views of CygnusX1 and by-tor.com, and should not be construed as such.
Last edited by CygnusX1 on Wed May 17, 2006 9:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
Don't start none...won't be none.
The Ol' Popsicle Trick
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon
quickie (with their 8 year old son in the apartment)
was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle,
and tell him to report on all the neighborhood
activities.
He began his commentary, as his parents put
their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking
lot", he shouted.
A few moments passed .. "An ambulance just
drove by."
A few moments later,"Looks like the
Anderson's have company", he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders'
are moving."
"Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments,
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they
are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too!"
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon
quickie (with their 8 year old son in the apartment)
was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle,
and tell him to report on all the neighborhood
activities.
He began his commentary, as his parents put
their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking
lot", he shouted.
A few moments passed .. "An ambulance just
drove by."
A few moments later,"Looks like the
Anderson's have company", he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders'
are moving."
"Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments,
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they
are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too!"
Don't start none...won't be none.
CygnusX1 wrote:Good read HB....I remembered the Kulwicki one..they HOUNDED him for that...rest his soul...
Okay class...Time to go to school ...
MATHEMATICS
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Supid Woman = Affair
Stupid Man + Smart Woman = Marriage
Stupid Boy + Stupid Girl = Pregnancy
Note: The preceding comments are not necesarily the views of CygnusX1 and by-tor.com, and should not be construed as such.
nice disclaimer Sigs...
