The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Water vs. Alcohol
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia Coli Bacteria (found in water that contains feces).
In other words, we are consuming one kilo of sh*t.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors, because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation.
It is MY duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to stop doing so.
It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you!
THEREFORE....It is better to drink alcohol and talk sh*t, than to drink water.... and be full of it !!
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia Coli Bacteria (found in water that contains feces).
In other words, we are consuming one kilo of sh*t.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors, because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation.
It is MY duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to stop doing so.
It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you!
THEREFORE....It is better to drink alcohol and talk sh*t, than to drink water.... and be full of it !!
Don't start none...won't be none.
Here's one for the older crowd....
It was entertainment night at the retirement home, and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see this famed hypnotist do his stuff!
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists--who invite two or three people up here (to be put into a trance), I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric, as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently, back and forth, while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized, as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until--suddenly--it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.....
"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist...
To the best of my knowledge, they're STILL cleaning up the mess....
It was entertainment night at the retirement home, and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see this famed hypnotist do his stuff!
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists--who invite two or three people up here (to be put into a trance), I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric, as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently, back and forth, while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized, as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until--suddenly--it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.....
"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist...
To the best of my knowledge, they're STILL cleaning up the mess....
Don't start none...won't be none.
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Devil's Advocate
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- Joined: Mon Nov 17, 2003 2:42 pm
- Location: Pembs, Wales, UK
- Contact:
Sooooooo, there's 1kg of E. coli in 365kg of water?CygnusX1 wrote:Water vs. Alcohol
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia Coli Bacteria (found in water that contains feces).
Water is 0.3% E. Coli, by weight?
Poopy!
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Devil's Advocate
- Posts: 927
- Joined: Mon Nov 17, 2003 2:42 pm
- Location: Pembs, Wales, UK
- Contact:
Something tells me this started out as a blonde joke, but some PC editor got to it:
Three Applicants.
Three women are applying for the last available position as a police officer. The detective conducting the interview looked at all three of them and said, "So you'd all like to be a police woman?" The women all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file. He opened it up, pulled out a picture and said, "To be a police officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features in a suspect."
The detective stuck the photo in the face of the first applicant, and withdrew it after a few seconds.
"Now," he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about the man in the photo?" The applicant immediately replied, "Yes I did. He only has one eye!"
The detective grabbed the photo and said, "Of course he has only one eye in the picture, It's a profile of his face. You're dismissed!" The first applicant hung her head low and walked out.
The detective turned to the second applicant and stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, then pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes," replied the second applicant. "He only has one ear." The detective puts his head into his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other woman? This is a profile of the man's face, of course you can only see one ear. You're excused too!" With that the second applicant walks out the office in shame.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last applicant and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but let's try it anyway." He held the photo in front of her for a few seconds and withdrew it saying, "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The third applicant then said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked at the woman with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right. His notes say he wears contacts. How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture."
The woman rolled her eyes and said, "Duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
This space for rent
There once was a Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named
because he had only one testicle.
He hated that name, and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If
anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around, and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird, forgot and said, "Good
morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest, where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day as well, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by, and no one dared call him by his given name--until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village, after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." (BAD move.)
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then made love
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't
die!
What is the moral of this story?????............................
OH, come on...take a guess! .
Think about it
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is...
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
because he had only one testicle.
He hated that name, and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If
anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around, and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird, forgot and said, "Good
morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest, where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day as well, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by, and no one dared call him by his given name--until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village, after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." (BAD move.)
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then made love
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't
die!
What is the moral of this story?????............................
OH, come on...take a guess! .
Think about it
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is...
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
Don't start none...won't be none.