The Joke thread
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Walkinghairball
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Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing.
Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing.
Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
This space for rent
A local "redneck" in Virginia is walking back to his vehicle with a bucket of fish, taken from the Rappahannock River (A popular body of water for gamefish in Eastern Va.), and apparently illegal in the eyes of a local game warden, who is persuing him.
The game warden asks him: "Are those your fish?" The redneck replies: "Why yes they are!" The warden then chides: "You KNOW these fish are illegal to possess this time of year, right?"
The redneck counters back: "You don't understand. These fish are trained pets! I just take 'em to the river here, release 'em, let 'em swim around for a bit, and they swim back in the bucket...Then we head home."
Staggered by this, the warden challenges him (to demonstrate the feat he speaks of). To satisfy the warden's curiousity, he walks to the bank, releases the fish, and--naturally--the fish swim away, to fight another day.
The warden, angered by this, yells at him: "HEY!! I THOUGHT YOU SAID THOSE FISH WERE PETS!!"
The redneck replies: "What fish?"
Moral of the story: We Virginians are not as smart as some, but we sure ain't as dumb as most! Y'all have a good day 
Siggy
The game warden asks him: "Are those your fish?" The redneck replies: "Why yes they are!" The warden then chides: "You KNOW these fish are illegal to possess this time of year, right?"
The redneck counters back: "You don't understand. These fish are trained pets! I just take 'em to the river here, release 'em, let 'em swim around for a bit, and they swim back in the bucket...Then we head home."
Staggered by this, the warden challenges him (to demonstrate the feat he speaks of). To satisfy the warden's curiousity, he walks to the bank, releases the fish, and--naturally--the fish swim away, to fight another day.
The warden, angered by this, yells at him: "HEY!! I THOUGHT YOU SAID THOSE FISH WERE PETS!!"
The redneck replies: "What fish?"
Moral of the story: We Virginians are not as smart as some, but we sure ain't as dumb as most!
Y'all have a good day Siggy
Don't start none...won't be none.
.....good one Siggy....yours too hairy meant to ask you schuette....have you seen any Thin Lizzy shows over there recently? I understand they're back together, but I could be wrong...they were one of my favorites, and would see them today if I could......wondering if Scott Gorham was still in touch with the band these days too...do you keep up with them?
Don't start none...won't be none.
The Boys are back in Town?CygnusX1 wrote:meant to ask you schuette....have you seen any Thin Lizzy shows over there recently? I understand they're back together, but I could be wrong...they were one of my favorites, and would see them today if I could......wondering if Scott Gorham was still in touch with the band these days too...do you keep up with them?
Little Jamie was staying with her grandmother for a few days. She'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when she came into the house and asked , "Grandma, what is that called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"
Grandma was a little taken aback, but decided to tell her the truth... "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Jamie just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later she came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds
Grandma was a little taken aback, but decided to tell her the truth... "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Jamie just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later she came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds
Onward and Upward!
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male ... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Any thing that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.!
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . .! . I don 't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.
She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.
He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male ... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Any thing that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.!
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . .! . I don 't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.
She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.
He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.