The Joke thread

awip2062 · Post by **awip2062** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 2:02 pm

Carry is on?!?!? Where?

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Thu Oct 06, 2005 5:59 pm

She is such a goof huh MK?

awip2062 · Post by **awip2062** » Fri Oct 07, 2005 9:37 am

Watch it, Bro! I have duct tape and I think I know how to use it. *wink*

Xanadu · Post by **Xanadu** » Fri Oct 07, 2005 11:54 am

Poor Geddy, you'll rip his hair out when you take it off!

awip2062 · Post by **awip2062** » Fri Oct 07, 2005 7:16 pm

I wouldn't duct tape Ged!

Xanadu · Post by **Xanadu** » Sat Oct 08, 2005 8:00 am

Oh ok...scared me for a sec...

How about tape the hairball to DA!

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Sat Oct 08, 2005 10:51 am

Now Xanny, how would that be funny.

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Sat Oct 08, 2005 10:55 am

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer then prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

awip2062 · Post by **awip2062** » Sat Oct 08, 2005 2:31 pm

LOL If only we could diagnose like that!

Here is one my cousin sent:

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southern Republican?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans

And

Southern Republicans? The answer can be found by posing the following

question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small

children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around

the

corner locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises

the

knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are

an

expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you

do?

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough

information to answer the question! Does the man

look poor? Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his

hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a

loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and

to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound

me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while

he

was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so

deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier,

healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few

days and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Sat Oct 08, 2005 4:39 pm

WOOHOO..............................Fire it up!!!!!!!

Xanadu · Post by **Xanadu** » Sun Oct 09, 2005 4:29 pm

LOL

I'm from the south

awip2062 · Post by **awip2062** » Mon Oct 10, 2005 10:08 pm

Did you hear the one about the Indian who had to sleep in the lobby of the hotel cuz he didn't have a reservation?

Walkinghairball · Post by **Walkinghairball** » Mon Oct 10, 2005 10:08 pm

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Devil's Advocate · Post by **Devil's Advocate** » Tue Oct 11, 2005 7:17 am

Middle Kingdom · Post by **Middle Kingdom** » Tue Oct 11, 2005 8:53 am

An elderly woman heard on the radio at home a report that someone was driving the wrong way on the freeway.
Knowing her elderly husband had to take the highway home from getting her rpescriptions, she dialed his cell phone (they had them in case of emergencies) to warn him.

"Honey be careful driving home, there's one guy car going the wrong way on the highway"

He responds "What do you mean one? There's tons of them!"