Why Doesn't Sherlock Holmes have to pay income tax?
Excellent Deductions
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
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Sir Myghin
- Posts: 9148
- Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2003 10:12 pm
- Location: Ontario, Canada
A little boy didn't go to school one day.
The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said:
"Our cow was in heat, so I had to take her to the bull."
"How disgusting," said the teacher.
"I'm sure your father could have done that," she added.
"Ma'am, I don't know what you teachers do.....
....but on the farm it has to be a bull."
The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said:
"Our cow was in heat, so I had to take her to the bull."
"How disgusting," said the teacher.
"I'm sure your father could have done that," she added.
"Ma'am, I don't know what you teachers do.....
....but on the farm it has to be a bull."
Don't start none...won't be none.
Here's another from Tim Hawkins. It's very evil....I mean EVIL.
Like, Shang Tsung comes to steal your soul evil.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7q2wD6HHdUY
Like, Shang Tsung comes to steal your soul evil.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7q2wD6HHdUY
that wasnt evil...that was really funnyRaiden wrote:Here's another from Tim Hawkins. It's very evil....I mean EVIL.
Like, Shang Tsung comes to steal your soul evil.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7q2wD6HHdUY
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the
ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls
out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
'Gimme a hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine, until the two enter again.
'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,'
says the man.
'Same here,' says the ostrich.
Shortly, the waitress brings their order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it
on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer:
'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man:
'Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I
rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!'
'That's right' says the man. 'Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there.'
The waitress asks: 'Okay, so what's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers:
'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the
ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls
out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
'Gimme a hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine, until the two enter again.
'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,'
says the man.
'Same here,' says the ostrich.
Shortly, the waitress brings their order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it
on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer:
'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man:
'Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I
rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!'
'That's right' says the man. 'Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there.'
The waitress asks: 'Okay, so what's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers:
'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
Don't start none...won't be none.
Why Parents Drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes'
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.Again, whispering, the child answered,
' The search team just landed a helicopter '
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, ' ME . '
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes'
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.Again, whispering, the child answered,
' The search team just landed a helicopter '
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, ' ME . '
Happy 2015!
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today.'
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today.'
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