Only in DC Bro....hahahaha Gotta love 'em.Walkinghairball wrote:The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called
the 'Style Invitational'.
The requirements this week were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the
Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.
Now, remember, the following winning entries were actually printed
verbatim in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxxs:
Third place:
There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
Don't start none...won't be none.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?'
She asked.
'Hunting Flies'
He responded.
'Oh. Killing any?'
She asked
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded:
3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.'
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?'
She asked.
'Hunting Flies'
He responded.
'Oh. Killing any?'
She asked
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded:
3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.'
Happy 2015!
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Why I fired my Secretary.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'
I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'
She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
This space for rent
A blind man lumbers into an all-girl-biker-bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter:
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, gravelly and husky voice, a lady biker next to him
says, "Before you tell that joke, dude, I think it is only fair -- given that
you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt
in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde, and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters:
"No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter:
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, gravelly and husky voice, a lady biker next to him
says, "Before you tell that joke, dude, I think it is only fair -- given that
you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt
in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde, and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters:
"No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Don't start none...won't be none.
Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days!
'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
The clerk looks at him and asks, 'Are you Polish?'
The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you?
The clerk says, 'Well, no!'
If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'
'Well, I probably wouldn't...' replied the clerk.
With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'
The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot.'
'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
The clerk looks at him and asks, 'Are you Polish?'
The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you?
The clerk says, 'Well, no!'
If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'
'Well, I probably wouldn't...' replied the clerk.
With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'
The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot.'
^^^
LMAO
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's a
final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
The truth is:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats, but
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you!
LMAO
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's a
final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
The truth is:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats, but
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you!
Don't start none...won't be none.
-
Sir Myghin
- Posts: 9148
- Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2003 10:12 pm
- Location: Ontario, Canada
Great!CygnusX1 wrote:A blind man lumbers into an all-girl-biker-bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter:
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, gravelly and husky voice, a lady biker next to him
says, "Before you tell that joke, dude, I think it is only fair -- given that
you are blind -- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt
in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde, and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters:
"No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
One night two alien explores a old wise alien and a young restless alien landed in the New Mexican desert and wonder about till they found a service station closed for the night. The young alien walked up to the gas pump and said "greeting we come in peace now take us to your leader" the gas pump just sits there. The young alien looks over at his partner kinda aggravated with the pumps silence. He tries again "greetings earthling we come in peace now take us to your leader" and yet again the pump says nothing. By now the younger alien is upset by the pumps rude behavior he gets his ray gun and says "I have asked you nicely we come in peace now take us to your leader or I will fire". The old wise alien tells his young friend "I wouldn't do that you'll regret it" the young alien now really pissed by now points his ray gun and fires. Boom and huge fire ball lights the night sky blowing the young alien a hundred yards away and landing in a pile of barrel cactus. The old wise alien walks over to his burnt battered friend and says "I tried to warn you" the young alien shaking his head asks "how did you know not to mess with him" the old alien replies "in all my years of intergalactic travel one thing I have found is when something has a penis long enough to wrap around itself twice and stick it in his ear you better leave it alone".