^^^^
Oh....SNAP!!! LOL
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
Two Ways to Look at Everything:
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My land!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My land!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything
Onward and Upward!
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left - and there
was a woman in a brand new Cadillac, doing 65 mph in the passing
lane, with her face way up close to her rear-view mirror, putting
on her eyeliner...
I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back - she
was halfway over in MY lane - yup...still working on that makeup.
Now as a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much that
I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of
my other hand....
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car (using my
knees against the steering wheel), it:
knocked my cell phone away from my ear...
which fell into the coffee between my legs....
which then burned Big Jim and the Twins....
ruined the phone....
soaked my trousers....
and disconnected an important call.
Damned women drivers!!
was a woman in a brand new Cadillac, doing 65 mph in the passing
lane, with her face way up close to her rear-view mirror, putting
on her eyeliner...
I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back - she
was halfway over in MY lane - yup...still working on that makeup.
Now as a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much that
I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of
my other hand....
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car (using my
knees against the steering wheel), it:
knocked my cell phone away from my ear...
which fell into the coffee between my legs....
which then burned Big Jim and the Twins....
ruined the phone....
soaked my trousers....
and disconnected an important call.
Damned women drivers!!
Don't start none...won't be none.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys in side and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people.
All the time, the darn phone was ringing of f the hook." He continued, "Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys in side and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people.
All the time, the darn phone was ringing of f the hook." He continued, "Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.
This space for rent
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Big Blue Owl
- Posts: 7457
- Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:31 am
- Location: Somewhere between the darkness and the light
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO HAVE A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks
from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who
doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who
likes to be with you.
And.... THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF ALL:
5. It's very, very, VERY important that THESE FOUR WOMEN DO NOT KNOW EACH OTHER.
________________________________
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks
from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who
doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who
likes to be with you.
And.... THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF ALL:
5. It's very, very, VERY important that THESE FOUR WOMEN DO NOT KNOW EACH OTHER.
________________________________
Don't start none...won't be none.
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
Onward and Upward!
-
Mr. Potatoe Head
- Posts: 1783
- Joined: Fri Nov 21, 2003 6:25 am
>
>
>
> AN IRISH GHOST STORY
>
> This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it
> sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.
>
> John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
> hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
> The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he >could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
>
> Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
>
> John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the >car and closed the door......only to realise there was nobody behind the >wheel and t he engine wasn't on!!
>
> The car started moving slowly.
>
> John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.
>
> Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
> Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the >window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the >hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
>
>
> Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, >so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
>
>
> Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody >about the horrible experience he had just had.
>
>
> A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying >and....wasn't drunk.
>
> Suddenly , the door opened, and two other people walked in from the >stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
>
>
>
>
> Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to >the other..
>
>
> "Look Paddy.....there's that idiot that jumped into the car while we >were pushing it!!!!"
>
>
> AN IRISH GHOST STORY
>
> This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it
> sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.
>
> John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
> hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
> The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he >could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
>
> Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
>
> John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the >car and closed the door......only to realise there was nobody behind the >wheel and t he engine wasn't on!!
>
> The car started moving slowly.
>
> John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.
>
> Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
> Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the >window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the >hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
>
>
> Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, >so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
>
>
> Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody >about the horrible experience he had just had.
>
>
> A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying >and....wasn't drunk.
>
> Suddenly , the door opened, and two other people walked in from the >stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
>
>
>
>
> Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to >the other..
>
>
> "Look Paddy.....there's that idiot that jumped into the car while we >were pushing it!!!!"
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive
man, standing alone.
She approached him.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family Name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself.
It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
He said:
"Bob Titzenbeer."
man, standing alone.
She approached him.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family Name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself.
It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
He said:
"Bob Titzenbeer."
Don't start none...won't be none.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf."
She said, "Take a sweater."
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf."
She said, "Take a sweater."
This space for rent