100 miles on a hot motorcycle seat'll tear yer ass up.
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
Las Vegas Churches
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT
LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC
CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES
WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET
IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES
HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS! TO A
NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN
THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND
CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...!
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING - DID YOU. 
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT
LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC
CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES
WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET
IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES
HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS! TO A
NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN
THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND
CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...!
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING - DID YOU.
Don't start none...won't be none.
-
Mr. Potatoe Head
- Posts: 1783
- Joined: Fri Nov 21, 2003 6:25 am
THOUGHTS OF A RETIREE'S WANDERING MIND?
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
*****
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
*****
I am neither for nor against apathy.
*****
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
*****
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
*****
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
*****
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
*****
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
******
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
*****
One nice thing about egotists...they don't talk about other people.
*****
My weight is perfect for my height...which varies.
*****
I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.
*****
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
*****
How can there be self-help groups?
*****
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
*****
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
*****
Is it just me; or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
*****
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
*****
I am neither for nor against apathy.
*****
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
*****
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
*****
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
*****
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
*****
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
******
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
*****
One nice thing about egotists...they don't talk about other people.
*****
My weight is perfect for my height...which varies.
*****
I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.
*****
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
*****
How can there be self-help groups?
*****
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
*****
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
*****
Is it just me; or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
A Doctor - who was known for his extraordinary treatment of arthritis,
had a waiting room full of patients.
A little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning
on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office
and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes - walking completely
erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room, who had seen all this, rushed up to
the little old lady and said:
"My God it's a miracle! I saw it with my own eyes. You walked
in nearly bent in half and now you're walking out of here - upright!
What did the doctor do?"
She replied:
"He gave me a longer cane."
had a waiting room full of patients.
A little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning
on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office
and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes - walking completely
erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room, who had seen all this, rushed up to
the little old lady and said:
"My God it's a miracle! I saw it with my own eyes. You walked
in nearly bent in half and now you're walking out of here - upright!
What did the doctor do?"
She replied:
"He gave me a longer cane."
Don't start none...won't be none.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert. Once they
got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look toward sky; what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says:
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies.
Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in
the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than lone buffalo, Lone Ranger . . . someone stole tent!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert. Once they
got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look toward sky; what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says:
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies.
Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in
the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than lone buffalo, Lone Ranger . . . someone stole tent!"
Don't start none...won't be none.
You Can Take it With You
There was a man who had worked all of his life,
had saved all of his money, and was a real miser
when it came to his money. He told his wife,
"When I die, I want you to take all my money
and put it in the casket with me. I want to
take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with
all of her heart that when he died,
she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket,
his wife was sitting there in black,
and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony,
just before the undertakers got
ready to close the casket,
the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box
and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers
locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you
weren't fool enough to put all that
money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied,
"Listen, I'm an honest wife, I can't go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife.
"I got it all together,
put it into my account and wrote him a check.
If he can cash it, he can spend it."
There was a man who had worked all of his life,
had saved all of his money, and was a real miser
when it came to his money. He told his wife,
"When I die, I want you to take all my money
and put it in the casket with me. I want to
take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with
all of her heart that when he died,
she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket,
his wife was sitting there in black,
and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony,
just before the undertakers got
ready to close the casket,
the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box
and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers
locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you
weren't fool enough to put all that
money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied,
"Listen, I'm an honest wife, I can't go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife.
"I got it all together,
put it into my account and wrote him a check.
If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Sound verbalized tones touch textured feel scent wafted aroma see visualize observe sing dance live
No, just one Florida retired persons way of
telling their neighbor off in a polite way.
REMEMBER
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Does a French athlete wear a jacques strap?
One tequila,two tequila,three tequila,floor.
What would you rather have,no short term memory or...I forgot the question.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Skydiving, good to the last drop.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
On the other hand,you have different fingers.
Have you ever noticed,anyone going slower than you is an idiot
and anyone going faster is a maniac.
telling their neighbor off in a polite way.
REMEMBER
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Does a French athlete wear a jacques strap?
One tequila,two tequila,three tequila,floor.
What would you rather have,no short term memory or...I forgot the question.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Skydiving, good to the last drop.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
On the other hand,you have different fingers.
Have you ever noticed,anyone going slower than you is an idiot
and anyone going faster is a maniac.
Sound verbalized tones touch textured feel scent wafted aroma see visualize observe sing dance live
Students at a local school were assigned to read two books:
"Titanic"....
....and "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report - with the
proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:
"Titanic"..... cost: $29.99
"My Life".....cost: $29.99
"Titanic"..... Over 3 hours to read
"My Life"..... Over 3 hours to read
"Titanic" - The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
"My Life" - The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
"Titanic"..... Jack is a starving artist.
"My Life"...... Bill is a bullshit artist.
"Titanic"..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
"My Life".....Ditto for Bill.
"Titanic"..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
"My Life".....Ditto for Monica.
"Titanic"..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
"My Life".....Let's not go there.
"Titanic"..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
"My Life".... Monica is forced to return her gifts.
"Titanic"..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
"My Life".....Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
"Titanic".....Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
"My Life".....Monica?...ooh, let's not go there, either.
"Titanic"..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
"My Life".....Bill goes home to Hillary- basically the same thing.
"Titanic"....
....and "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report - with the
proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:
"Titanic"..... cost: $29.99
"My Life".....cost: $29.99
"Titanic"..... Over 3 hours to read
"My Life"..... Over 3 hours to read
"Titanic" - The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
"My Life" - The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
"Titanic"..... Jack is a starving artist.
"My Life"...... Bill is a bullshit artist.
"Titanic"..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
"My Life".....Ditto for Bill.
"Titanic"..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
"My Life".....Ditto for Monica.
"Titanic"..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
"My Life".....Let's not go there.
"Titanic"..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
"My Life".... Monica is forced to return her gifts.
"Titanic"..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
"My Life".....Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
"Titanic".....Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
"My Life".....Monica?...ooh, let's not go there, either.
"Titanic"..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
"My Life".....Bill goes home to Hillary- basically the same thing.
Don't start none...won't be none.
-
ElfDude
- Posts: 11085
- Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2003 1:19 pm
- Location: In the shadows of the everlasting hills
- Contact:
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle
on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the
bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I
don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.
The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the
woman and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in
my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you!"
The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with... Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Hillary Clinton.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health
insurance.
on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the
bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I
don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.
The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be
returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the
woman and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in
my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you!"
The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with... Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Hillary Clinton.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health
insurance.
Aren't you the guy who hit me in the eye?
-
Big Blue Owl
- Posts: 7457
- Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:31 am
- Location: Somewhere between the darkness and the light
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