Retirement Planning:
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg Plan.
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
The Joke Thread
Sound verbalized tones touch textured feel scent wafted aroma see visualize observe sing dance live
Another gratuitous Blonde joke:
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position
on the Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview
looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be
cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out
a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture,
and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features
and oddities such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde
and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features
about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one
eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has
only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!
You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the
photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said,
"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding
about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a
profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde
and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but ..."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and
withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual
about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and
began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo!
With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position
on the Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview
looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be
cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out
a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture,
and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features
and oddities such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde
and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features
about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one
eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has
only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!
You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the
photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said,
"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding
about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a
profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde
and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but ..."
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and
withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual
about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and
began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo!
With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
Don't start none...won't be none.
A quick trip to Walmart...
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something required to complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms ".
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't' even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wonder around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Pass gas out loud and you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something required to complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms ".
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't' even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wonder around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Pass gas out loud and you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.
Happy 2015!
I got this from someone in his 50s who was too lazy (as am I, I guess) to change it into uppser and lower case print.
WHEN I WAS MARRIED 25 YEARS, I TOOK A LOOK AT MY
WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID,
"HONEY, 25 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, AN
OLD CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED
AND WATCHED A 10 INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT
TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25 YEAR OLD BLOND."
"NOW WE HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND
A PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A
50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME
THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLD ING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO
GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLONDE, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT
I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN
A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING AN OLD CAR, SLEEPING ON
A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10 INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO
SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.
WHEN I WAS MARRIED 25 YEARS, I TOOK A LOOK AT MY
WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID,
"HONEY, 25 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, AN
OLD CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED
AND WATCHED A 10 INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT
TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25 YEAR OLD BLOND."
"NOW WE HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND
A PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A
50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME
THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLD ING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO
GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLONDE, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT
I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN
A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING AN OLD CAR, SLEEPING ON
A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10 INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO
SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.
Onward and Upward!
I got this from a woman in her 50s. Note the difference in type. LOL
Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd
gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot. My doctor said
eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would
solve my physical problems.
He said just think in colors; Fill your plate with bright
colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc.
I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure
enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right
could be so easy.
Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd
gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot. My doctor said
eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would
solve my physical problems.
He said just think in colors; Fill your plate with bright
colors; greens, yellows, reds, etc.
I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure
enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right
could be so easy.
Onward and Upward!
The Joke thread
WEATHER WARNING
When you see this on your way out the door in the morning...
go back in and have another cuppa coffee.
It's probably not going to be a good day!
Monday Blues Chuckle
When you see this on your way out the door in the morning...
go back in and have another cuppa coffee.
It's probably not going to be a good day!
Monday Blues Chuckle
Sound verbalized tones touch textured feel scent wafted aroma see visualize observe sing dance live
-
Mr. Potatoe Head
- Posts: 1783
- Joined: Fri Nov 21, 2003 6:25 am
After my heart attack I have put a lot of time studying this subject.
These are the answer I have come up with.
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of pa rticipating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help pr event me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain wha les to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming,
These are the answer I have come up with.
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of pa rticipating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help pr event me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain wha les to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming,
-
Mr. Potatoe Head
- Posts: 1783
- Joined: Fri Nov 21, 2003 6:25 am
And one for the road....
Montana Golfing Rules Just Released:
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is
advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on
the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin,
Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forest's Golf
Courses.
They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices
such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but
not to startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the
case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good
idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
Golfers should be able to recognize the difference
between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the
golf course.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries
and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell
like pepper spray.
Montana Golfing Rules Just Released:
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is
advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on
the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin,
Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forest's Golf
Courses.
They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices
such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but
not to startle the bears unexpectedly.
They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the
case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good
idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
Golfers should be able to recognize the difference
between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the
golf course.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries
and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell
like pepper spray.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two
plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a
while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and
see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get
all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard
backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time
there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes - right
into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through
the bushes, I say: "$20....or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!"
"By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a
while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and
see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get
all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard
backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time
there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes - right
into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through
the bushes, I say: "$20....or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!"
"By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."
Don't start none...won't be none.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.