The Joke thread

[CygnusX1]

The above laws happen to be the immigration laws of MEXICO!!!

t !! Check this out!

http://www.kerman94.com/mexicotourism.html

DUDE! I love it! I am going to send it to some people!

most excellent! Party on t.

[awip2062]

Oh but of course I shall party on!

Tiz Ronnie James' birfieday the day!

[Aerosmitten]

Why the British wore Red Coats:

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.

During one battle, the French captured an English colonel.

They took him to their headquarters, and A French General
began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked:

"Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you
know the red material makes you easier targets for us to
shoot at?'

In his bland English way, the Colonel informed the General
that the reason English officers wear red coats is that, if
they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they
are leading won't panic.

And that is why my friends, from that day to this, that
all French Army officers wear brown pants.

[CygnusX1]

Bubba at the Revival

Bubba goes to his church revival and listens to the preacher.

After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come
forward and be prayed over.

Bubba gets in line, and when it's his turn the preacher
says:

"Bubba, what you want me to pray about?" Bubba says:
"Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear, the other
hand on top of his head and prays a while.

After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says:

"Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

Bubba says: "I don't know preacher.... it's not until next Wednesday."

[awip2062]

HOW TO REQUEST A SONG FROM THE BAND

When requesting a song from the band, just say "play my song!" We have chips
implanted in our heads with an unlimited database of the favorite tunes of
every patron who ever walked into a bar and all songs ever recorded, so feel
free to be vague, we love the challenge. If we say we really don't remember
that tune you want, we're only kidding. Bands do know every song ever
recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be... it helps jog the memory,
or just repeat your request over and over again.

If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either
forgot they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing a few
words for the band. Any words will do. It also helps to scream your request
from across the room several times per set followed by the phrases, "AW COME
ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from
the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your
middle finger up. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This
instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend of the Band." You
can bet your request will be the next song we play.

Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare for
their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought as to what they
will do once they arrive. We don't actually make set lists or rehearse
songs. We mostly just wait for you to yell something out, then fake it.

An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let
them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters. Once you've
figured out what genre of music the band plays, please make your requests
from a totally different genre. The more exaggerated the better. If its a
blues band playing, yell for some Metallica or Slayer or Pantera. Likewise,
if its a death- speed metal band, be sure to request Brown-Eyed Girl or some
Grateful Dead. Musicians need to constantly broaden their musical horizons,
and its your job to see that it happens....immediately.

TALKING WITH THE BAND

The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at
the middle of a song when all band members are singing at the same time.

Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the
megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us. And we can converse with you
in sign language while singing the song, so don't worry that we're in the
middle of the chorus.

Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your
question or comment during a song, it's because they didn't get a good look
at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your
request and be sure to over emphasize the words with your lips. This helps
immensely.

Don't be fooled. Singers have an innate ability to answer questions and sing
at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately,
regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are
purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. We
love this.

IMPORTANT

When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in
both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head
securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a
friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands.
Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers
are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back,
protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by their
instrument and only play the game when tricked into coming from behind their
keyboards. Though difficult to get them to play, it's not impossible, so
keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the breaks between songs.

HELPING THE BAND

If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate your
help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on
stage. If you're too drunk to stand unassisted, simply lean on one of the
band members or the most expensive piece of equipment you see. Just pretend
you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage and join in.

By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound, and the louder you
should sing. If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up
and attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more
than outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part harmonies, or a tambourine
played on one and three and out of tempo. Try the cowbell; they love the
challenge. The band always needs the help and will take this as a
compliment.

Finally, the microphone and PA system are merely props, they don't really
amplify your voice, so when you grab the microphone out of the singers hand
be sure to scream into it at the top of your lungs, otherwise no one will
hear what a great singer you are. Hearing is over-rated anyhow. The crowd
and the sound guy will love you for it.

BONUS TIP

As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage
and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected
from the club, you can rest assured in the fact you have successfully
completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the following
day to offer you a position.

[awip2062]

It's a song, but it's funny:

(Action!)

(Uno, dos, tres, cuatro)
(What I wanna know now is what we're gonna do)
(Just won't stop singin' in my head!)
(What I wanna know now is what we're gonna do)
(Hold it!) (2*)
(What I wanna know now--)
(Uno)
(Nope, oh, no, can't do that!)
(Uno, dos)
(Aah!)
(Uno)
(Hold it!)
(Uno, dos, tres, cuatro)

Diagnosed as hyper from the day I was born.
Been drivin' people crazy ever since that morn. (morn, morn)
When the doctor held me up he gave me a smack! (smack, smack)
I reached around my mama and I slapped him back! (back, back)

CHORUS:
They might tame the wind,
They might calm the sea,
But they'll never harness my energy.
I'm the poster boy for hyperactivity!
It's not my fault!
The world's not keeping up with me!

(Nope, oh, no, can't do that!)

Knew that I was different from the rest of my peers.
None of them were swingin' from the chandeliers! (liers, liers)
I never got a star for bein' good in class! (class, class)
Outlived my teachers, that's how I passed! (passed, passed)

(REPEAT CHORUS)

(What I wanna know now is what we're gonna do)

A hyperactive kid may be hard to control,
But you gotta admit, life is never dull! (dull, dull)
I spend my day just cuttin' up and pullin' pranks! (pranks, pranks)
I save the world from boredom and I get no thanks! (thanks!)

(REPEAT CHORUS)

It's not my fault!
(Nope, oh, no, can't do that!)
It's not my fault!
(OH, NO!)
It's not my fault!
The world's not keeping up with me!
(Now, have you heard it backwards?)

[CygnusX1]

This is creepy!



Think of a letter between
A and W. . .



Repeat it out loud as
you scroll down. . .






Keep going . . .






Don't stop . . .






Think of an animal name that
begins with that letter. . .






Repeat it out loud as you
scroll down. . .





Think of either a man's/woman's
name that begins with the last
letter in the animals name. . .





Almost there. . .






Now, count out the letters in
that name on the fingers of
the hand you are NOT using to
scroll down. . .




Take the hand you FIRST counted
with, and hold it out in front
of you at face level. . .





Look at your palm very closely,
and notice the lines on it. . .




Question:

Do the lines take the form of
The first letter of the person's name?




Scroll Down. . .





VVV





VVV





VVV






OF COURSE NOT!!!




Now - take THAT hand, smack
THE SHIT out of yourself, get a life. . .




. . .and quit playing stupid cyber-games!



Shhhh!!! (Don't tell this secret to others,
just send it to 'em!)





Smile & have a great day!


Siggy

[awip2062]

You are a sick man, Siggs!

[CygnusX1]

You are a sick man, Siggs!

well.....maybe just a scoche.

sure it's a cheesy job, but SOMEBODY's gotta do it.

[Walkinghairball]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee she's fat!"
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells out, "Run, she's backing up!!"

[CygnusX1]

OH SHIT!! ****HOARFFFFS COFFEE****

[CygnusX1]

If you want someone who will
eat whatever you put in front of him - and never says it's not quite
as good as his mother made it...

Then buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing
to go out, at any hour - for as long and wherever you want...

Then buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never
touch the remote, doesn't care about football - and can sit next
to you as you watch romantic movies...

Then buy a dog.

If you want someone who is
content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet - and
whom you can push off if he snores...

Then buy a dog.

If you want someone who never
criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly,
fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is
especially worthy of listening to - and loves you unconditionally
and perpetually...

Then buy a dog.

But, on the other hand...

If you want someone who will
never come to you when when you call, ignores you totally
when you come home, leaves hair all over the house, walks
all over you, runs around all night, only comes home to eat
and sleep - and acts as if your entire existence is solely to
ensure HIS happiness...



VVV




VVV




VVV





Then buy a cat!

...and you thought I was going to say: "Then marry a man! "

[awip2062]

My mom sent me this:

Top 5 signs you drink too much coffee:

5. You don't perspire.....you percolate.

4. You named your cats Cream and Sugar.

3. To take your pulse, your doctor uses a scientific calculator.

2. You introduce your husband as your "Coffee Mate"

1. When asked how you're doing, you say "Good to the last drop."

[awip2062]

And me foster mum sent me this:

TEN THINGS TO PONDER FOR 2007




#10 Life is sexually transmitted.

# 9 Good health is merely the slowest rate at which
one can die.

# 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you
see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

# 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a
day; teach a person to use the internet and they
won't bother you for weeks.

# 6 Some people are like a slinky... not really good
for anything, but you still can't help but smile
when you shove them down the stairs.

# 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in the hospital dying of nothing.

# 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.

# 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you two
hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you
thirty cents???

# 2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world
weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac
to make it normal.



AND THE #1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease
is located among the millions and millions of cows
in America , but we haven't a clue as to where
thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are
located. Maybe we should put the department of
Agriculture in charge of immigration.

[CygnusX1]

My Daily Work Prayer

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I have to kill today
for pissing me off;

Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today - as
they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow;

Help me to always give 100% at work:

17% on Monday...
20% on Tuesday...
40% on Wednesday...
20% on Thursday...
3% on Friday...

And help me to remember.... when I'm having a really
bad day....and it seems that people are trying to piss me off...
and that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to
extend my middle finger and tell them to BITE ME!

AMEN.