The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
What would YOU do?
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got
into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabbie if he would
come in with him and be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to
catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabbie tip-toed into
the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket
back - and sho'nuff - there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted,
"Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told
you I inherited money!"
"He paid for the Corvette I bought for you."
"He paid for our new cabin cruiser."
"He paid for your Colts season tickets."
"He paid for our house at the lake."
"He paid for our country club membership and he even pays the
monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the
gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said:
"What would you do?"
The cabbie said:
"I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a friggin' COLD, YOU DUMBASS!"
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got
into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabbie if he would
come in with him and be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to
catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabbie tip-toed into
the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket
back - and sho'nuff - there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted,
"Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told
you I inherited money!"
"He paid for the Corvette I bought for you."
"He paid for our new cabin cruiser."
"He paid for your Colts season tickets."
"He paid for our house at the lake."
"He paid for our country club membership and he even pays the
monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the
gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said:
"What would you do?"
The cabbie said:
"I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a friggin' COLD, YOU DUMBASS!"
Don't start none...won't be none.
A keeper for sure.-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,"
the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.
"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space
travel, and man walking on the moon. Our spaceships have visited Mars.
We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with
light-speed processing...and, (paused to take another drink of beer)...
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and
said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were
young..... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little fart,
what are you doing for the next generation?"
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,"
the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.
"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space
travel, and man walking on the moon. Our spaceships have visited Mars.
We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with
light-speed processing...and, (paused to take another drink of beer)...
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and
said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were
young..... so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little fart,
what are you doing for the next generation?"
Onward and Upward!
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, shingles. The doctor asked, Where?
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them??"
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, shingles. The doctor asked, Where?
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them??"
This space for rent
-
Big Blue Owl
- Posts: 7457
- Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:31 am
- Location: Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Shingles:
1. Roof tiling - external wall covering.
2. An acute viral infection characterized by inflammation of the sensory ganglia of certain spinal or cranial nerves and the eruption of vesicles along the affected nerve path. It usually strikes only one side of the body and is often accompanied by severe neuralgia. Also called herpes zoster.
1. Roof tiling - external wall covering.
2. An acute viral infection characterized by inflammation of the sensory ganglia of certain spinal or cranial nerves and the eruption of vesicles along the affected nerve path. It usually strikes only one side of the body and is often accompanied by severe neuralgia. Also called herpes zoster.
(((((((((((((((all'a you)))))))))))))))
I stole this from Kev.
Words Women Use:
1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
2.) FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.
4.) GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5) LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just
say you're welcome.
8.) WHATEVER: Is a women's way of saying #@!% YOU!
9.) DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man
asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.
Words Women Use:
1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
2.) FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.
4.) GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5) LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just
say you're welcome.
8.) WHATEVER: Is a women's way of saying #@!% YOU!
9.) DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement,
meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several
times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man
asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.
Onward and Upward!
My German mom strikes again:
The Tomato Company
An unemployed man is desperate to support his Family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. Crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story:
Since you got this story by internet, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
Sadly, I received it also.
The Tomato Company
An unemployed man is desperate to support his Family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. Crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story:
Since you got this story by internet, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
Sadly, I received it also.
Onward and Upward!
-
Big Blue Owl
- Posts: 7457
- Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:31 am
- Location: Somewhere between the darkness and the light
A nun sank into a hot bath and began washing. Then came a knock at the door.
"Oh dear", she said. "Who is it?"
"It's only me, the blind man", said the blind man.
"Oh well, come on in then."
The man came in, looked at the nun's naked body and said, "Nice boobs, where shall I hang the blinds?"
"Oh dear", she said. "Who is it?"
"It's only me, the blind man", said the blind man.
"Oh well, come on in then."
The man came in, looked at the nun's naked body and said, "Nice boobs, where shall I hang the blinds?"
Last edited by Big Blue Owl on Sat Mar 17, 2007 11:38 am, edited 1 time in total.
(((((((((((((((all'a you)))))))))))))))
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and
W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.
4.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
merge and become:
Zip Audi DoDa.
5.) FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become:
Knott NOW!
And finally
9.) Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang
W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.
4.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
merge and become:
Zip Audi DoDa.
5.) FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become:
Knott NOW!
And finally
9.) Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang
Onward and Upward!