I snarfed my soup Dude.
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
This is very true, in most cases from my experience any way...
For those who still want to accomplish more than 100%_______________________________
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing
that will put you over the top
For those who still want to accomplish more than 100%_______________________________
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing
that will put you over the top
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
You know it's getting bad when you can't even trust little old ladies
A young man shopping in a supermarket
noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout,
turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out
'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store,
it would make me feel good."
She then went through the checkout,
and as she was on her way out of the store,
the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine
into someone's day, he went to pay for his
groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much ...
I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied,
"Yeah, but your Mother said
you'd be paying for! hers, too."
A young man shopping in a supermarket
noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout,
turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out
'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store,
it would make me feel good."
She then went through the checkout,
and as she was on her way out of the store,
the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine
into someone's day, he went to pay for his
groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much ...
I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied,
"Yeah, but your Mother said
you'd be paying for! hers, too."
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
-
ElfDude
- Posts: 11085
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- Location: In the shadows of the everlasting hills
- Contact:
I've told that story before in the first person, as if it happened to me. I end with me chasing her out into the parking lot and catching her climbing into her car and she's trying to escape, "and I got a grip on her ankle and she was kicking and I kept pulling her leg... just like I'm pulling yours!"
Aren't you the guy who hit me in the eye?
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old
Family bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large
City because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an
Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas
Just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my
Business."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you know what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked
Him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to
Know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
Family bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large
City because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an
Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas
Just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my
Business."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you know what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked
Him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to
Know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
Onward and Upward!
"BIOLOGY FINAL EXAM "
Students in a Biology class were taking their final exam.
The last question asked:
"Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk" (worth 70 points or none at all.)
One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:
1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck.
Finally (just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang), he wrote
7. It comes in really awesome containers.
He got an "A".
Students in a Biology class were taking their final exam.
The last question asked:
"Name seven advantages of Mothers Milk" (worth 70 points or none at all.)
One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:
1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck.
Finally (just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang), he wrote
7. It comes in really awesome containers.
He got an "A".
Don't start none...won't be none.
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line
between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.
He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
"From the tip of my penis to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to
reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they
decided to go along with him providing the measurement was
taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"
which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of
the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly
exclaimed, "Where Are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied,
"Vietnam."
early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line
between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.
He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
"From the tip of my penis to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to
reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they
decided to go along with him providing the measurement was
taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em,"
which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of
the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly
exclaimed, "Where Are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied,
"Vietnam."
A New Retirement Plan!!
Excellent retirement advice that seems very logical:
--If you had purchased $1000 USD of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49 USD.
--With Enron stock, you would have had $16.50 USD left of the original $1000 USD.
--With WorldCom stock, you would have less than $5 USD left.
--If you had purchased $1000 USD of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49 USD left.
But, if you had purchased $1000 USD worth of BEER one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND......
You would have $214 USD.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle!
It's called "The 401-Keg Plan".
Excellent retirement advice that seems very logical:
--If you had purchased $1000 USD of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49 USD.
--With Enron stock, you would have had $16.50 USD left of the original $1000 USD.
--With WorldCom stock, you would have less than $5 USD left.
--If you had purchased $1000 USD of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49 USD left.
But, if you had purchased $1000 USD worth of BEER one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND......
You would have $214 USD.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle!
It's called "The 401-Keg Plan".
Don't start none...won't be none.