Redneck Man's pick up lines
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer " bed-rock."
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue & pretty as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,.......................
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
resimay
Deer Sir,
I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper.
I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent b e to complicaited
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.
Employer's response:
Dear Peggy May,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check!
Deer Sir,
I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper.
I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent b e to complicaited
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.
Employer's response:
Dear Peggy May,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check!
Happy 2015!
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the rear end are interchangeable."
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the rear end are interchangeable."
This space for rent
they're all good 
-
Big Blue Owl
- Posts: 7457
- Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:31 am
- Location: Somewhere between the darkness and the light
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A man came home from work, sat down in his
favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his
wife "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts".
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another
beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him
a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another
beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You waltz in here, flop
your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me - and then
expect me to run around like your slave... Don't you
realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??"
The husband sighed. ...
"Oh shit .....it's started."
favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his
wife "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts".
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another
beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him
a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another
beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You waltz in here, flop
your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me - and then
expect me to run around like your slave... Don't you
realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long??"
The husband sighed. ...
"Oh shit .....it's started."
Don't start none...won't be none.
"Three Little Pigs"
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE, Me for this....
The third piggy says ?
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE, Me for this....
The third piggy says ?
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. the occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Gracie, looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Guys, Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my n@ked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both n!pples on fire, test!cles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. My fingers and toes were twitching uncontrollably, and the smell of barbeque wafting through the air. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. Since the electrical shock forces all muscles to contract to their fullest you actually end up with a death grip on it. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. I am pretty sure it was closer to 10 minutes, although I must admit that I was unable to focus at the time. SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like he!!. A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits! (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both n!pples were twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. The recliner was on it's side and I will not go into the whole bodily function thing.
I'm still looking for my test!cles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Toni, however was pleased that I had cleaned the living room, and left her present on the table. She was a little concerned that I went to bed early in the afternoon but did enjoy the thought of the purchase of the taser. She did get curious when she made a comment about it being so small and not sure that it would work and all I could do was cry...
Still in shock, Jerry
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Gracie, looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Guys, Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my n@ked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both n!pples on fire, test!cles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. My fingers and toes were twitching uncontrollably, and the smell of barbeque wafting through the air. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. Since the electrical shock forces all muscles to contract to their fullest you actually end up with a death grip on it. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. I am pretty sure it was closer to 10 minutes, although I must admit that I was unable to focus at the time. SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like he!!. A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits! (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both n!pples were twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. The recliner was on it's side and I will not go into the whole bodily function thing.
I'm still looking for my test!cles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Toni, however was pleased that I had cleaned the living room, and left her present on the table. She was a little concerned that I went to bed early in the afternoon but did enjoy the thought of the purchase of the taser. She did get curious when she made a comment about it being so small and not sure that it would work and all I could do was cry...
Still in shock, Jerry
When evil is allowed to compete with good, evil has an emotional populist appeal that wins out unless good men & women stand as a vanguard against abuse.
LETTER FROM A FARM KID in Marine Corps Boot Camp
(You have to read the entire letter for the real laugh):
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and
Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working
for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up
quick - before all of the places are filled!
I was restless at first because you got to stay in
bed till nearly 6 a.m but I am getting so I like to
sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before
breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.
No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
The men gotta shave but it is not so bad, there's warm
water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit
juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on
chops, taters, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other
regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always
sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.
Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you
get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon Sergeant
says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not
my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as
far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys get sore feet, and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a
school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the
school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown.
They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing...
I keep getting medals for shooting, I don't know why.
The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head
and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you - like the
Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there
all comfortable and hit it.
You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in
boxes!
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real
careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like
fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best
they got in this place except for that Tug Jordan from over
in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same
time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8"
and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before
other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in!
Your loving daughter,
Lisa
(You have to read the entire letter for the real laugh):
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and
Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working
for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up
quick - before all of the places are filled!
I was restless at first because you got to stay in
bed till nearly 6 a.m but I am getting so I like to
sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before
breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.
No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to
split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
The men gotta shave but it is not so bad, there's warm
water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit
juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on
chops, taters, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other
regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always
sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.
Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you
get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon Sergeant
says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not
my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as
far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys get sore feet, and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a
school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the
school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown.
They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing...
I keep getting medals for shooting, I don't know why.
The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head
and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you - like the
Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there
all comfortable and hit it.
You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in
boxes!
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real
careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like
fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best
they got in this place except for that Tug Jordan from over
in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same
time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8"
and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before
other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in!
Your loving daughter,
Lisa
Don't start none...won't be none.