This is a joke. It is ONLY a joke. If this were an actual emergency, you'd have been instructed where to tune in for further announcements and instruction...
________________________________________________________
A woman, in a hot air balloon, realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude, and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago. But, I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS, and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 11 degrees, 14.97 minutes North latitude, and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes West longitude.
She rolled her eyes, and said, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But, I have no idea what to do with your information. And, I am still lost. Frankly, you have not been much help to me."
The man smiled, and responded, "You must be a Republican."
"I am!" replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well...," said the man, "You do not know where you are, or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep. And, now you expect me to solve your problem. You are in exactly the same position you were in before we met. But somehow, now it's all my fault!
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
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Big Blue Owl
- Posts: 7457
- Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:31 am
- Location: Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Jogging with Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.
On each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension, he would brace himself as he approached her - for what was most certainly to follow:
"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
"No, FIVE dollars!" fired back Clinton .
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for DAYS.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back, "FIVE dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner,
Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer - and Hillary would
wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a damn good explanation for the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,
Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five bucks!?"
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.
On each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension, he would brace himself as he approached her - for what was most certainly to follow:
"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
"No, FIVE dollars!" fired back Clinton .
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for DAYS.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back, "FIVE dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner,
Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer - and Hillary would
wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a damn good explanation for the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,
Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five bucks!?"
Don't start none...won't be none.
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Aerosmitten
- Posts: 8809
- Joined: Thu Nov 13, 2003 1:15 am
- Location: Your House
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
********************************************************************************
******************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.
How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a
747 makes when it hits a 727?"
********************************************************************************
********************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control:
"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
********************************************************************************
******************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..
I've got the little Fokker in sight."
********************************************************************************
********************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
********************************************************************************
*******************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
********************************************************************************
********************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):
"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English):
"If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English):
"I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .
Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"
********************************************************************************
********************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.
By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind
of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger;
and yes, we copied Eastern...
we've already notified our caterers."
********************************************************************************
*********************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the
Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I'll have enough parts for another one."
********************************************************************************
********************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --
And I didn't land."
********************************************************************************
*****************
While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft.Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
********************************************************************************
******************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.
How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a
747 makes when it hits a 727?"
********************************************************************************
********************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control:
"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
********************************************************************************
******************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..
I've got the little Fokker in sight."
********************************************************************************
********************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
********************************************************************************
*******************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
********************************************************************************
********************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):
"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English):
"If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English):
"I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .
Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"
********************************************************************************
********************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.
By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind
of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger;
and yes, we copied Eastern...
we've already notified our caterers."
********************************************************************************
*********************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the
Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I'll have enough parts for another one."
********************************************************************************
********************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --
And I didn't land."
********************************************************************************
*****************
While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft.Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl
on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety
violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back
of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there,
Sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the
dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety
violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back
of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there,
Sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the
dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
This space for rent
oh SNAP...I harfed java, and that's not cool. 
hey.....I think my brother-in-law and I killed a world record fox squirrel..
Ya Think? (see below)
damn thing took 3 days (and two emptied magazines) to drag outta the woods....got 10 buddies?.... and gravy-and-biscuits? grab and growl.
hey.....I think my brother-in-law and I killed a world record fox squirrel..
Ya Think? (see below)
damn thing took 3 days (and two emptied magazines) to drag outta the woods....got 10 buddies?.... and gravy-and-biscuits? grab and growl.
Last edited by CygnusX1 on Thu Nov 30, 2006 9:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
Don't start none...won't be none.
And I get to say, "I knew him when..."-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
This space for rent
