Dan and I are the unstoppable!!!!!
The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
](./images/smilies/eusa_wall.gif "Brick wall"){kind=small}
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
An Explanation of Politics:
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is
Politics?"
Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this
way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The Nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
The little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny'sroom.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his fatherin bed with the Nanny.
He gives up, and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."
The father says: "Good, son. Tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."
The little boy replies:
"The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is
Politics?"
Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this
way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The Nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
The little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny'sroom.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his fatherin bed with the Nanny.
He gives up, and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."
The father says: "Good, son. Tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."
The little boy replies:
"The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Don't start none...won't be none.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After the Mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous in the pulpit, I put a large glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I get nervous, I take a sip".
So the next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice, and proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not "bet his ass."
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as "The late J.C."
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Daddy, junior and the spook".
8. David slew Goliath. He did not "kick-the-shit-out-of-him."
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was "stoned off his ass".
10. We do not refer to The Cross as "The big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said: "Take this and eat it, as it is my body", he did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous in the pulpit, I put a large glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I get nervous, I take a sip".
So the next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice, and proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey. He did not "bet his ass."
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as "The late J.C."
7. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Daddy, junior and the spook".
8. David slew Goliath. He did not "kick-the-shit-out-of-him."
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was "stoned off his ass".
10. We do not refer to The Cross as "The big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said: "Take this and eat it, as it is my body", he did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God"
Don't start none...won't be none.
okai....how 'bout THIS!
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asked him why he was staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure there's nothing you could ask or say that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well let's see what we can do about that:
#1: You have to be single and:
#2 you must be Catholic.
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes I'm single and Catholic."
"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The Nun fulfills his fantasy - with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But then - when they get back on the road - the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child" said the Nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied - and I must confess that I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The Nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween Party"
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asked him why he was staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure there's nothing you could ask or say that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well let's see what we can do about that:
#1: You have to be single and:
#2 you must be Catholic.
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes I'm single and Catholic."
"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The Nun fulfills his fantasy - with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But then - when they get back on the road - the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child" said the Nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied - and I must confess that I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The Nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween Party"
Don't start none...won't be none.
Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"
schuette wrote:Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"
that was good.Don't start none...won't be none.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A Dog's Rules for Christmas
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
a. Don't pee on the tree
b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
b. Don't eat off the buffet table
c. Beg for goodies subtly
d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
c. Tolerate children
d. Turn on your charm big time
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM!!
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
a. Don't pee on the tree
b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
b. Don't eat off the buffet table
c. Beg for goodies subtly
d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
c. Tolerate children
d. Turn on your charm big time
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM!!
This space for rent