The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
LIZARD BIRTHING
> >
> >
> >
> >If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
> >syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
> >below will have you laughing out LOUD!
> >
> >
> >
> >Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what
> >happened:
> >
> >
> >
> >Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> >"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
> >room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
> >dad, can you help?"
> >
> >
> >
> >I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
> >his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
> >looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called,
> >"come look at the lizard!"
> >
> >
> >
> >"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
> >
> >
> >
> >"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
> >
> >
> >
> >I was equally outraged.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
> >reproduce," I accused my wife.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
> >inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
> >
> >
> >
> >"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
> >
> >loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
> >
> >
> >
> & gt;"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
> >informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
> >
> >
> >
> >By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
> >shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
> >about to witness the miracle of birth."
> >
> >
> >
> >"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of
> >tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
> >she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
> >
> >
> >
> >We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
> >foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't
> >appear to be making much progress," I noted.
> >
> >
> >
> >It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
> >next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
> >more times with the same results.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
> >could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
> >females in my house?)
> >
> >
> >
> >"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
> >
> >
> >
> >We drov e to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,
> >Ernie, breathe," he urged
> >
> >
> >
> >"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
> >be so cruel to their own young. I mean what s he does to me is one
> >thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
> >
> >
> >
> >The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
> >animal through a magnifying glass.
> >
> >
> >
> >"! What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
> >to you privately for a moment?"
> >
> >
> >
> >I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be
> >okay?" my wife asked.
> >
> ; >
> >
> >"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
> >fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie
> >is a young male... And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like
> >most male species, they um....um....pleasure themselves. Just the way he
> >did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you
> >know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
> >
> >
> >
> >We were silent, absorbing this "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my
> >wife offered
> >
> >
> >
> >"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
> >
> >
> >
> >More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
> >And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but
> >not believing that the woman I married w ould commit the upcoming affront
> >to my flawless manliness.
> >
> >
> >
> >Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm
> >picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for
> >more air to bellow in laughter once more.
> >
> >
> >
> >"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the
> >lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
> >to be okay.
> >
> >
> >
> >"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with
> >laughter.
> >
> >
> >
> >2 - Lizards - $140...
> >
> >1 - Cage - $50...
> >
> >Trip to the Vet - $30..
&g t; >
> >Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie... Priceless!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!
> >
> >
> >
> >If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
> >syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
> >below will have you laughing out LOUD!
> >
> >
> >
> >Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what
> >happened:
> >
> >
> >
> >Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> >"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
> >room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,
> >dad, can you help?"
> >
> >
> >
> >I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
> >his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
> >looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called,
> >"come look at the lizard!"
> >
> >
> >
> >"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
> >
> >
> >
> >"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
> >
> >
> >
> >I was equally outraged.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
> >reproduce," I accused my wife.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
> >inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
> >
> >
> >
> >"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
> >
> >loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
> >
> >
> >
> & gt;"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
> >informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
> >
> >
> >
> >By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
> >shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
> >about to witness the miracle of birth."
> >
> >
> >
> >"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of
> >tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
> >she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
> >
> >
> >
> >We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
> >foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't
> >appear to be making much progress," I noted.
> >
> >
> >
> >It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
> >next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
> >more times with the same results.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
> >could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
> >females in my house?)
> >
> >
> >
> >"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
> >
> >
> >
> >We drov e to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,
> >Ernie, breathe," he urged
> >
> >
> >
> >"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can
> >be so cruel to their own young. I mean what s he does to me is one
> >thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
> >
> >
> >
> >The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
> >animal through a magnifying glass.
> >
> >
> >
> >"! What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
> >to you privately for a moment?"
> >
> >
> >
> >I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be
> >okay?" my wife asked.
> >
> ; >
> >
> >"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
> >fact, that isn't EVER going to happen.. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie
> >is a young male... And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like
> >most male species, they um....um....pleasure themselves. Just the way he
> >did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you
> >know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
> >
> >
> >
> >We were silent, absorbing this "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my
> >wife offered
> >
> >
> >
> >"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
> >
> >
> >
> >More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
> >And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but
> >not believing that the woman I married w ould commit the upcoming affront
> >to my flawless manliness.
> >
> >
> >
> >Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm
> >picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for
> >more air to bellow in laughter once more.
> >
> >
> >
> >"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the
> >lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
> >to be okay.
> >
> >
> >
> >"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with
> >laughter.
> >
> >
> >
> >2 - Lizards - $140...
> >
> >1 - Cage - $50...
> >
> >Trip to the Vet - $30..
&g t; >
> >Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie... Priceless!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!
Happy 2015!
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful...
She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he thought there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door, and the milkman said:
"I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you really mean 15 gallons?"
The blonde said: "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with
milk and take a bath."
The milkman asked: "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said: "No, just up to my tits."
She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he thought there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door, and the milkman said:
"I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you really mean 15 gallons?"
The blonde said: "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with
milk and take a bath."
The milkman asked: "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said: "No, just up to my tits."
Last edited by CygnusX1 on Fri Sep 15, 2006 10:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
Don't start none...won't be none.
Jock once attended a Temperance lecture given by Scotland's top medical man, a noted anti-drink campaigner. The speaker began by placing a live, wriggling worm in a glass of whisky. After a moment or two it died and sank to the bottom.
The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"
Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"
The speaker said quietly to the audience, "Now my friends, what does this tell us?"
Jock piped up, "If you drink whisky you'll not be bothered by worms!"
