The Joke thread
Moderator: Priests of Syrinx
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
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Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.
Scottish Temperatures
40 degrees:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.
35 degrees:
Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.
20 degrees:
Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.
15 degrees:
Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.
0 degrees:
New York landlords turn the heat on.
People in Scotland have a last barby before it gets cold.
-10 degrees:
People in Miami are extinct.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.
-20 degrees:
Californians all now live in Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.
-80 degrees:
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival excercise until it gets cold enough.
-100 degrees:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.
-173 degrees:
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky kegs.
-297 degrees:
Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
-460 degrees:
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying " A bit chilly ... eh? "
-500 degrees:
Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in the World Cup
40 degrees:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.
35 degrees:
Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.
20 degrees:
Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.
15 degrees:
Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.
0 degrees:
New York landlords turn the heat on.
People in Scotland have a last barby before it gets cold.
-10 degrees:
People in Miami are extinct.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.
-20 degrees:
Californians all now live in Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.
-80 degrees:
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival excercise until it gets cold enough.
-100 degrees:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.
-173 degrees:
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky kegs.
-297 degrees:
Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
-460 degrees:
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying " A bit chilly ... eh? "
-500 degrees:
Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in the World Cup
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Big Blue Owl
- Posts: 7457
- Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:31 am
- Location: Somewhere between the darkness and the light
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Big Blue Owl
- Posts: 7457
- Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 7:31 am
- Location: Somewhere between the darkness and the light
A little girl asked, "Mom, may I take the dog for
a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog
is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask
your Father. I think he's in the garage". The little girl
goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a
walk around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog
was in heat and that I should ask you". Dad said, "Bring
Susie over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "Ok, you
can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one
time around the block". Little girl left and returned a
few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad said,
"Where's Susie?" Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas
about halfway down the block and there's another dog
pushing her home".
a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog
is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask
your Father. I think he's in the garage". The little girl
goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a
walk around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog
was in heat and that I should ask you". Dad said, "Bring
Susie over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "Ok, you
can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one
time around the block". Little girl left and returned a
few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad said,
"Where's Susie?" Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas
about halfway down the block and there's another dog
pushing her home".
(((((((((((((((all'a you)))))))))))))))
I got this one from my mom.
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years
in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the
congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little
speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say
his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession
I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had
stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was
able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his
parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's
wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was
appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not
all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good
and loving people.".....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full
of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day
our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had
the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years
in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the
congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little
speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say
his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession
I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had
stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was
able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his
parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's
wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was
appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not
all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good
and loving people.".....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full
of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day
our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had
the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE
Onward and Upward!
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin, and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. (Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and, of course, Ibepokin).
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin, and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. (Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and, of course, Ibepokin).
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Don't start none...won't be none.
As I walked down the busy sidewalk (knowing I was late for an important interview), my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.
Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away - as if the sight would somehow contaminate them!
Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out!"
So I did..........
I get out of the hospital in about 3 months.
It would be nice to get a card....or maybe a visitor.
Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away - as if the sight would somehow contaminate them!
Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out!"
So I did..........
I get out of the hospital in about 3 months.
It would be nice to get a card....or maybe a visitor.
Don't start none...won't be none.
-
Walkinghairball
- Posts: 25037
- Joined: Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:42 pm
- Location: In a rock an roll venue near you....as long as you are in the Pacific Northwest.